celfyddwr.com

Alright, I know what you’re thinking, that this is just a scheme that doesn’t work. Well, it does. There have been proof, and the company has been interviewed, and they say how they work. It’s totally legit. That said, I need your help. If you would like to help me get a free iPod, and have a chance to get one for yourself, please click on this link:

bq. “Ted’s referral link”:http://www.freeiPods.com/default.aspx?referer=9861833

You need to sign up with that link, and you also need to complete an offer. An offer is your typical marketing stuff like BMG music club and others. But some of them are pretty nice, you can sign up, get credit and then cancel before you’re charged anything. I signed up for a Free Video Professor CD set.. only have to pay $6.95 shipping. If I choose, I can send back one of the CDs and not be charged. Or ship all them back and get a full refund of the shipping charge. If I keep all 3 CDs, then I’m charged $69.95 for them. But I have 10 days to send them back. And you get credit instantly!

Another good one is the Blockbuster offer. It’s like NetFlix.. you get a 2 week free membership and you must be a member for that full 2 weeks, but you can cancel it after that and not be charged (it’s only like, $19.95 a month, not bad for unlimited DVD rentals). Oh, and you have to be an active member for those 2 weeks, meaning you need to rent DVDs (free) and send them back and all that. Still, not bad.

And, you can refer your friends. If you get 5 people to use your link to sign up, you get a free iPod, iPod mini or $250 iTunes gift certificate.

Yeah, it’s viral marketing, but it’s a _free freakin’ iPod!!_

For the past few nights — ever since I started Wellbutrin — I have been feeling severely depressed at night. I seem fine during the day, but at night I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t think my anxiety has had anything to do with it, but maybe it has. Money has been really tight lately. I also don’t think it’s the new medication — that would take at least a month to have mental effects on me. Every night I don’t want to go to sleep because from the time I lay down to the time I fall asleep is way too much time to think. It also means that another day will be here soon — another day where I have nothing to do but think and feel depressed. I also seem to be afraid of the dark more than usual now. At night when I’m alone and am feeling depressed, I’m very scared. I don’t want to close my eyes more than to just blink — I’m petrified that there’s someone lurking in the shadows who’s going to do something bad to me. I’ve always had these fears, but I’ve always tried not to let them get to me since I’ve gotten older, but lately it’s been really bad — to the point where I want to cry I’m so scared. But another thing I fear when going to bed is waking up in the morning — mainly because of the reasons above. Along with the depression have actually come thoughts of hurting myself. I think this is the first time in a very long time that I’ve seriously thought about it. Not in the suicidal way, though I’ve thought at length that it would just be better for those around me if I just didn’t wake up one day, but just in a way to draw blood, to cause pain. I’ve wanted to take an X-Acto and carve into my arm, not too deep, but enough to hurt and to cause bleeding. While in this depression I also feel on the verge of tears all the time. I don’t actually cry, because I don’t have anything to cry about. But I feel one of these times I need to let it out. It’s too painful to keep all the tears in.

It seems like it’s been a very long time since I’ve gotten any good news, but I just came across a little bit. I just got a phone call from Community Counseling Center of Maine, and they have an opening for me. It’s only been 2 weeks since I was put on the 4 to 6 week waiting list. My appointment’s next Thursday. Another bit of good news is that MaineCare (a.k.a. medicaid) will pay for the whole appointment except for a $2.00 copay. Not bad at all.

Now, time to get nervous and panic about the appointment. Yay.

So, I havne’t written in here for a while because there hasn’t really been much to write about. Okay, I lied. There have been tons of things going on, all making me not want to do a damned thing — including write about it here.

For starters, I’ve been trying to get over the horrible side effects and reactions I had to taking nefazodone of which I wrote about here. They lasted for longer than I took the medication. I’ve been feeling better for just two days now. The dizziness, headaches, weakness and slight dermal sensativity stayed longer than anything else. I’ve since stopped taking that medication and contacted my doctor. He told me to look over my records that I had, and talk it over with my mom and see what I’d like to try next. After looking everything over, I decided on Wellbutrin again. It didn’t seem to do anything the first time, and probably won’t again since it’s made to help depression, not anxiety — I do have depression, but it’s caused by the severe anxiety I have. But I chose Wellbutrin because it seems to have the least side effects. But we’ll see. I called the doctor to see if I could get the perscription called in today, but unfortunately he was out today, so it’ll be until at least tomorrow.

Another thing that’s been going on with me, that I haven’t written about before is the previous landlord my Mom and I had is taking us to small claims court. More specifically, he’s taking my Mom to small claims court. he’s claiming we owe him something like $4000 for not paying rent and other things that he had to fix around the apartment after we moved out. Truth is, some of the things he’s trying to charge us for, we don’t owe to him. Things like cleaning an oven — it’s self cleaning, replacing shelves and rods in two closets — there was absolutely nothing wrong with the closets when we moved in or moved out, and cleaning the windows — it was winter, so we couldn’t clean then, and we lived right on a busy road, so all the cars kicked up dirt. The windows were only dirty on the outside. And it’s also considered normal wear and tear and is not the responsibility of the tenant in that case. The landlord also never deducted the security deposit for any of the charges, which is exactly what the deposit is for.

The court date is tomorrow (Thursday). So right now I’m extremely anxious. Even though I’m not going, I feel like I should, to give my mom support. I’m just afraid they’re gonna make us sell everything we own, and force us to pay him everything, and we’ll be evited from this apartment because we can’t pay the rent here becuase we’re paying the old landlord back. Or, I’m afraid that they’ll put my Mom in jail. I just feel like I’m a big financial burdon on my Mom. I need to apply for disability so I can have a chance of getting is. At least then I’ll have a little bit I can try and help out with around the house. It won’t be much, but it’ll be something. It’s things like these that make me want to either run away — but I have no where to go — or kill myself so I won’t be a leach anymore.

I just feel so absolutely fucking useless. And I’m getting so tired of this feeling. Medications don’t seem to work for me. A lot of people don’t seem to understand my illness — even my mom, and at times it doesn’t seem like she wants to try and take the time to understand. At times it feels like I have nothing left — no one left.

Last night was the first time I got to take my new medication. Well, it’s not entirely new, I’ve been on it before, but can’t find out why I went off it. The first night was absolutely horrible. I took the medication before I went to bed, and I got about 2 hours of sleep, then I woke up and I was freezing cold. I ended up having 2 comforters and one blanket on my bed, and I was still shivering. On top of that, it felt like every nerve in my body was being aggrevated somehow. I just felt like I was having a hot flash, but not so much heat, as just pain all over. And that was the end of my sleep last night.

Today, I had to take the second dose this morning. I was really scared to, but I felt I needed to stick with this medication, side effects or not. Again, about 2-3 hours after taking the medication, I started in with the chills and the nerve pain all over. And I also have a pretty bad headache, and I can’t seem to focus on much. I feel dizzy pretty much all the time, and sometimes I get bursts of a dizzy/electric feeling in my brain and it just totally throws me off.

I’m not sure what to do now, but I have another dose coming up tonight.. we’ll see how that goes.

Yesterday I gave my doctor a call to let him know that I couldn’t get my perscription filled because Serzone is no longer on the market. After calling the local pharmacy where he is, he found out that the generic equivalent is available. So, I took my perscription back to Hannaford to get filled, and this time told them that they needed to give me the generic brand (they should have anyway, becuase the checkbox for label-only wasn’t checked on the ’script). They looked it up, and they didn’t have any of that in stock either, but they would order it for me. It’s supposed to be available sometime today, but not yet.

This is just proving to be a lot of work. The medication had better work some or I’ll be pissed.

Friday I had my doctor’s appointment. The main reason I was going was to get some medication for my anxiety. I brought him my medical records from Florida to look over because that’s where I was on most of the medication that dind’t work. After looking it over, we decided that the Serzone worked best for me, and we were going to try that again. There was nothing in my records saying why I had stopped the Serzone, but I had. Researching online a bit to see if I recognized any of the side effects, I came across articles that say that Serzone has been banned from Canada because of possible serious – fatal liver dammage. But I couldn’t find anything about that in the U.S. I took the perscription to Hannaford where I usually get my meds, and tried to have them fill it. I went back to pick up the pills and was told that they dind’t have any in stock. They had other dosages, but not the one that I needed. And I was informed that they weren’t even sure if they still had it out. When I got home I looked it up further and found that Bristol-Meyer Squibb has stopped the sale of Serzone in the U.S. claiming that becuase the generics were allowed on the market, they lost sales. But others have a feeling that it was because of the possible liver dammage. The FDA will not ban it in the U.S. but they don’t have to since BMS stopped the sales voluntarily.

So now I’m up a creek. The only medication that seemed to work kinda well I can’t get because of the side effects that can’t be proven in the U.S. I’m not sure what to do now. I need to call the doctor and imform him of my plight, but I’m scared to do so because of my anxiety. I’ve never been scared to go to the doctor’s office (at least this doctor) but I was on Friday. This anxiety thing is getting out of hand.

After leaving a message for the counseling intake clinician on Friday, I didn’t hear from them all weekend. I had to wait til Tuesday because of the long weekend. I got a call back just as I entered the interview room for the food stamps so I couldn’t take it. When I got home I called them back, but the clinician wasn’t available again so I left another voicemail message. Still nothing. I called back two times after that, but no one even answered the main line. The following day (Wednesday) I got a call back in the morning, and found out that people with Medicaid (MaineCare) there is a waiting list of four to six weeks. So, I’m on that list, but I don’t know what to do until then.

I made an appointment with my primary physician to see if he has any ideas. I also need to get something for my allergies, see if he has a 2,000 calorie diet I can have, and if he has any ideas about a kind of anxiety medication I can try. There’s not much I haven’t tried — nothing seems to work. In Florida I was on Serzone, but there’s no mention as to why I stopped it. But, after a little research, I found that Serzone can cause severe-to-lethal liver dammage. And for that reason, they’ve banned the sale of it in Canada. So I’m not sure if that had anything to do with it.

We’ll see.

Well, Tuesday I went to the Department of Human Serivces building to apply for food stamps like I said I was going to. It went pretty well — I got approved for them. But the process wasn’t all that great. The woman who took me into the interview room for it was kind of condescending at first. My mom went in with me, and the woman asked if we purchased and prepared our food seperately. I said no, because we don’t really do that anymore, so the woman got all snippy saying that we’d have to factor in my mother’s income and that it didn’t look like we were eligble. After that, we told her that I do prepare my own food most of the time because of my mom’s work schedule, and when I had the money, I purchased most of my own food. We had to sign a statement saying that I do purchase and prepare my own food. What I don’t understand is how they think I can purchase and prepare my own food when I don’t have an income. I’m broke — of course I don’t purchase my own food right now. They’re just not very logical.

On Friday I finally had enough and I had to call “Community Counseling Center of Maine”:http://www.commcc.org/ to find out about seeing someone for counseling. I had to leave a voicemail message for the intake clinician but I never heard back on Friday. And this being a long holiday weekend, I won’t hear anything by at least Tuesday. On Tuesday, I think I’m going to try my best to get up early so I can go to the Department of Human Servies building so I can apply for food stamps and try to help my mom out somehow since I don’t have a job, and my anxiety is keeping me from getting one at the moment.